Visit to Hopkins ... all is well

Went to Hopkins today for my breast cancer screening. I go every six months -- and see the nurse. But this was also the mammo visit. I am usually quite nervous but I really worked myself into a tizzy this time. Ironically I had not really thought much about it until we got back from Kuwait. Because I was soooo worried about Mark. But then I made up for it ... to the point that by Monday I was totally dysfunctional (after spending the weekend messing on Facebook -- which did distract me ...). Had some distraction from a broken car window -- but that got fixed pretty fast. Tuesday was awful -- getting to a point where I could not make plans for two days hence ... which was really annoying people calling for appointments at work .......

I started to feel better after I e-mailed Becky. And Maggie reminded me of her mantra "I am happy, healthy, strong and free ... just as I am meant to be". And the book "How to be led by the Spirit ..." with its reminder that I can pray the prayer of the sick as well as any priest. And asking Bev .... my prayer partner when I really hit rock bottom to pray all helped a bit. Yet I really was becoming concerned that I would just not go ... I kept trying to think up reasons not to. It would just be so easy to follow my Mom's lead .... I wish I knew if she did not have treatment 'cause of her habit to "think about it in the morning" or out of fear. She just never seemed scared. I don't know why I think about this so much ... there is no way to know. She certainly was not the diary type. Or if she was Chuck our step dad never shared them.

Luckily Mark had agreed to take me 'cause I really don't think I would have gone otherwise. This morning I took one of the anxiety pills that the hospital gave him when he went to the ER (he didn't take any but I kept them for an emergency ....). I went to church ... as is my custom before my check ups. The pill really hit me ... and I slept all the way to Baltimore. Got to see Connie the nurse pretty quickly ... and she is quite good at reassuring me. We talked about taking tamoxifen or breast removal/implants. Maybe it is time to think about that ...... I also used the time to ask about Mark's symptoms and she assured me that cancer does not grow and shrink. Plus Mark took some pity on me and told me that the frequency/intensity of his glands swelling was much less. Which is certainly consistent with rare African diseases. Anyhow Connie said everything felt fine to her ... so on I went to mammography. I sorta hinted at needing happy pills but she asked me if I was mostly stressed about breast cancer ... and I said yes. So she said I had every reason to be concerned about that and she thought I was a lot better than when she met me in 2004 ... so no happy pills. Bummer.

Hopkins deals with survivors or high risk patients so they are pretty good at handling hysterical patients. They take you in pretty quickly. I usually have a first set scans, then the radiologist looks and I have some more and then an ultrasound. I had a chatty technician and told her about my history (have genetics and environment covered with Mom, sister, husband). I told her how they usually had to do extras so she might as well squeeze hard the first time. I was sitting in the dressing room e-mailing (some work -- mostly my friend Renee about mammos) when the technician came in and handed me the "no signs of cancer -- come back in a year paper. So two steps skipped. She told me after several visits it became easy to spot no changes and they do digital-- so it is not unusual after a while to just be sent on your way ......

It is impossible to describe the relief. I've experienced it 5 times now ... and the feeling always amazes me. Despite Maggie's best advice to choose the better thought "everything is OK" and Mark's difficulty grasping why I would think anything is wrong before it is ... I just mostly think of bad outcomes. The drop in Adrenalin is also something else ... an incredible exhaustion sets in. I went and got my car emissions/mechanical inspection and got that out of the way. And to the Mall for some gifts. Then came home and had a long nap before dinner. After dinner Mark looked at me and said "you sure look haggard" -- as well I should. I asked him to take a photo for my blog. Somehow the props seem to wash out the haggard. lol. Anyhow thanks to God for a very happy day. And to Mark for being willing to do something that he absolutely does not understand just because I asked him to. I guess there is a reason we will have been married for 26 years tomorrow. Guess I better go to bed as tomorrow will be a hard day 'cause folks at work will not give me the pre mammo room lol. But we get to ahve dinner with Vince who is here from London so that's cool!