Didn't make it to the festivities. Set my alarm for 6 AM -- went to church. Froze to death -- so I just did not see walking 5 miles and by 8 AM it was too late to Metro. So went back to bed with Sydney (he is SOOO cuddly) and then got up to watch on TV.We ended up also watching Bailey as well after I drove his Mom to the Metro so she can work at the Balls. It was certainly a great speech -- and I wish I had been downtown -- but I think I made the right choice. Going on Holiday on Friday and this will be the first vacation that is not some insane expedition that we've had since Nov 2007 -- really looking forward to the rest.
Still -- I kinda wonder what drove my decision -- and whether I let Mark have a say. Was I REALLY worried about the cold and crowds? Was I worried I had felt sick the night before and needing a bush break before I got to our PA Ave party? Was it worry of not getting home and leaving Sydney unattended? Or worry about Mark ...... I just seem to obsessively watch him -- check for evidence of illness. Wondering if every symptom is a sign of something horrid. And questioning whether his blaming Africa for everything (including a backache) is a repeat of my Mother ignoring the fact that she was ill -- willing herself to die at 50. Maggie thinks she probably did at some level -- but why?
Somehow I am more and more obsessed with knowing my Mom's reasons -- even though I know I never will and it is all pointless speculation. She certainly was not the diary/confessional type (unlike me!). Not knowing makes me see a repeat in Mark, and to a lesser extent Maggie. I'm kinda scared today as I am afraid for the first time I let that fear drive a major decision.
He seemed fine last night (here he is with Michael Anthony -- H's baby -- whom I have not watched in a while -- making me feel a tad guilty). And tonight he is OK. But in the morning he was wearing a coat -- inside -- which freaked me. Was also not helped by Linda -- formerly Smith -- now Garver -- calling to report that someone at the "Reno" meeting told her Mark looked very ill (apparently because of his tremors -- which at least I know are just hereditary and not life threatening).
I think I need therapy -- 'cause I spend an awful lot of time worrying about what could be -- and I am not in the moment. Unless the moment entails some dangerous situation I have put myself in. Which I probably do to keep myself in the moment ....... Gotta try to make it to yoga Wed -- was cancelled tonight. That's as good as therapy.
Too much analysis -- probably the product of four days off and too much sleep. Will think about this later ......
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