In a Funk

Have been in a horrid funk all day. I guess outwardly everything seems fine. Went with Mark to Best Buy to help him buy himself a tiny computer (he got a cute one -- only kept from realizing its full cuteness potential by not being pink). Went and got a mani. Set up Mark's computer. Generally messed around (laundry is in the dryer now -- at least got that done plus my work as a Journal Editor -- which pays for my manis so I kinda have to do it).

Glad to see Sydney -- but the post vacation blues are hitting hard. Just wish I could check out for a month or a year. I don't belong in cold, in the U.S.A. I belong in a tropical beach -- my rightful place in the Universe the casualty of "history". Dreading teaching ESL tomorrow. Dreading work on Monday. Dreading going to Florida with the gang from work next week. Dreading leaving Sydney. Dreading being away from Mark. Dreading all the work that needs to be done.

I think the sadness came in from watching the Africa DVD that Akos and Jessica sent. They did a great job of blending music and pictures and videos. Somehow though watching the images and listening to the words has plunged me into questioning whether I really have done anything useful with my life. Have I learned anything? Why didn't I teach -- which is so much more rewarding? Was having "security" and making more money worth it? What is security? Would anything ever make me feel as good as being Anthony's Mom? Should I find a work/travel program in the developing world and try to talk Mark into doing good deeds?

And of course the question that has been nagging me since High School. Was Mr. B -- the literature teacher seemingly engaged in inappropriate relationships with my more developed high school classmates right? Was my "future" in literature? I think I must just be having a Kafka moment or something -- brought on by too much thinking -- a dangerous thing to do (Beauty and the Beast -- one of my fave phrases). I wish I could just turn off my mind sometimes ...........