Saturday in Palm Springs

Interesting day. I decided to have a down day. So I set the alarm for 8 AM to go to the gym -- then I was gonna go to Starbucks -- then the Spa.

The people in the room next door woke me up at 5:30 AM with their screaming. So I read "Shopaholic Takes Manhattan" (funny the movie seems to combine bits of the first two books). Then I decide to call Mark -- who doesn't answer. A few calls later I am in a panic. Call H our neighbor -- talk a bit and she tells me his car (and the paper) are in the driveway. She does offer to go check -- and calls me back to say he is alive --- just sleepy.

I do make it to Starbucks -- and barely on time to the Spa.On the way to and from Starbucks see lots of fancy dogs so I really miss Sydney. The Spa was awesome -- had a scrub, a desert stone massage and a mani. Used the Swedish shower.

Had lunch and read my book by the pool. Then the relaxation wore off and back to the room to call Mark. No answer.

I set off for church. Run into someone I know so we went together. Back for dinner -- meet up with a couple of people.

Not the best restaurant. And I am in a panic. Send off a few e-mails to track Mark.
Get back to the room at 8:15 PM. Call Mark and he DOES answer. Because he was half asleep. He tells me he will never answer the phone (or e-mail) again because I have too many people tracking him. Which will only lead to more tracking. Why can't he just answer the phone?
My desert stone massage relaxation is all gone!

Finished reading "Shopaholic Takes Manhattan". Also brought "Shopaholic Ties the Knot". I have to preside over a workshop for 2 hrs - 10-12 tomorrow. Then fly to San Francisco at 5 -- and I think I have like a 10 PM flight back to DC. Fly all night and then have to go to work. Hope I survive ...... Getting my Sunday Z2 done now -- will do Monday's back in Virginia Monday night . I miss Mark -- will just see him Monday and he goes to Ohio Tuesday :-( Hope he does not come back too late on Thursday .....

Got to see Sharon -- one of our Africa travel buddies!!!!!

I am so excited. My friend Sharon that we met on the trip to West Central Africa came to get me at the Hotel for dinner. It was so good to see her -- as if we had just seen each other yesterday. Reality was I had not seen her since we parted ways in Paris after our African adventure.

Funny to see each other looking "normal" Will post a photo when I have better connectivity. I guess the 12 of us will always share this experience that no one else will quite understand. And now few people will have it as some of the lodges we visited gave closed -- the victims of low oil price and the "this is Africa" effect. I'm very sad about that -- the poor gorillas. Without the protection that tourism brings they will probably be destroyed.

It was good to talk to her about Mark's medical issues as she understood the circumstances that probably caused them. She thought maybe a type of Lyme disease -- very possible given the elephant dung we walked in. I did not have any open sores but Mark did.

Funny -- I am ready to go to Africa. She is -- but NOT the same way. She is thinking of Madagascar as well. Maybe we can work something together -- she is such a good photographer. Sharon thought Mark's new camera (which I gave him but have taken over) was actually very nice. She said she could give me pointers if we travel together.

The GREAT news is she will be in DC in late July/early August -- so we will get to see her. I am sooooo excited about that. Seeing Sharon gave me the mental boost I so needed.

En route to San Francisco

On the plane en route to San Francisco. Was on the 4:45 PM flight. Gorgeous sunny (though cold) day. Nonetheless when we got to the airport (was riding with Raquel - our Noise Division manager) the flight was cancelled because of "air traffic control". The 5:30 PM flight was still on -- since we had used the crew line and could not go to the counter, went to a random gate agent. We were already re booked on the 5:30 - albeit with lousy seats. Seemed to us that they probably had two flights - but only enough people to fill one - so they combined. As we were at the gate early - Raquel and I were able to get the agent to give us better seats.

Of course "better" was bulk head. And my laptop is tightly packed. Managed to rescue my purse to buy food. Watched "Secret Life of Bees". Pretty good.

Spoke to Mark. Funny he was at Reagan Airport and I was at Dulles. He did make his Drs appointments - at least the neurologist and the regular physician. I'm apprehensive at what they may find - but better that he is treated. I don't know why I can't replace with "happy thought". Maggie's mantra from Dr Bonnie - everything is OK till someone tells you it is not. Versus how I seem to function - everything is not OK till someone tells you otherwise.

I have got to chill. This morning I was driving in front of Mark. Apparently I went through a yellow light but did not notice. When I got on the highway I glanced back and did not see him so I panicked. Had to call him when I got to work. Arghhhh

Now I am nervous about Sydney. Just need to know Lynn has him. And I'm sure I will be a bundle of nerves about the hand off to Todd and Heather on Wednesday morning. Then Mark's pickup Friday morning. Maggie says I should find a Spa and chill on Saturday. Maybe I will do that.

Was nice being back in my old office. On Friday one of our Admin staff found some pink chairs and "rescued" them for my conference table. My carpet is pink as well. And I have a bright pink mini fridge. I think my boss will need to call Elle Woods if he ever needs to replace me. LOL. Now if I could only have a pink desk chair and a pink Blackberry. Just got a new Blackberry so no hope of that. Got a new laptop as well. It is too big - but at least I don't have to wait half an hour to boot up and I'm not getting the dreaded blue screen.

We are on descent. I miss Sydney so much. Actually thought about bringing him. Worried that at the last minute the airline would make me check him. I'm sure he would die of fright. I hope I survive the week ...... Can't wait to go home. Of course I will have to get Mark to tell me the Drs results. He kinda has to because my friend Gen is on his case. I hope my outlook improves throughout the week. I think when Mark and Sydney are safely home Friday it will.

Dealing with Mark

I am having such a hard time dealing. I was hoping going to see Slumdog Millionaire last night would get me out of my head -- but they were out of tickets. Tried to go see something else but there was nothing we both wanted to see and was playing before Mark would fall asleep.

So back to my mind. I am truly at the end of my rope with Mark's health symptoms. I don't know how to get through to him. He reads my blog -- maybe that will help.

Since we came back from Africa in October he has had ongoing infections.Or what appears like infections. Since December he has had sudden drops in blood pressure and has passed out. He saw the oncologist in late November -- and apparently she noted nothing odd in his blood work. And he did see his breast cancer surgeon (because it was time) in late December after fainting and the dizzy spells. She told him to cut his blood pressure med in half and monitor.

He was told and promised me he would to go see his general Dr if things did not improve. Needless to say things have not improved and he has not seen a Dr because he is "too busy at work". People who have seen him on business trips have called to asked me what was wrong because he looks/acts awful.

One more week has gone by with no Drs appts. He nearly passed out in church last night and his blood pressure is in the 90s. He has no appetite and is shaking like a French soldier. He refuses to cancel the trip to Dayton and see a Dr. And to save the Air Force $ he has booked himself a ticket to Columbus. I now fear he will not only kill himself but also innocent people.

I am constantly on edge and crying. I cannot get through to him. I am having scary thoughts about wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up. I don't have any. So I thought that I have three neighbor's keys so maybe I could get some. Except I don't think they have any. So maybe I don't really want to do this or I would find a way.

I am so upset about being in California and him in Dayton. I pray and pray he will be OK. I can't go through this (my Mom also neglected health symptoms and basically killed herself) again --- and I won't -- at least not without a fight. I am telling anyone and everyone what is going on. Hopefully the pressure will be too much and Mark will do something.

Me, Anthony, Sydney -- we all need him. We have made plans for what we are going to do the rest of our lives. He doesn't just get to "check out". If I don't get some relief soon I fear I will have a meltdown. A very public meltdown. And yet the idea of being locked up somewhere is incredibly attractive to me. As I said to Mark -- he needs to experience being the person watching so he can comprehend what he puts me through. I know what it is like to want to ignore medical issues. I don't want to go for my checks ups to Hopkins. But I do-- mostly because of other people, I don't want Anthony, Mark and my sister to go through what my Mother caused us to go through.

Of course I am very hormonal which does not help. Having some issues of my own. I hope everything is better in the morning.

Life is a Roaller Coaster

I am so stressed. Mark and I both have business trips next week. He leaves Monday for Ohio and returns at midnight Thursday. I leave Monday for California and take the redeye back on Sunday March 1 and get home at 6 AM on March 2. Mark then goes back to Ohio March 3.
I had it all arranged for Sydney to stay with Bailey. But Bailey's Mom has to go to NY Wednesday night. We thought my dog walker would be willing to come and give the guys two extra walks on Wed and an extra walk Thu AM. But he does not want to do it (just found out this morning).

Bailey's Mom got a friend of hers to take Bailey but poor Sydney was "homeless". Luckily Miss Presley's parents are going to take him Wednesday and Thursday and Mark will get him first thing Friday morning. Roma's Mom would usually be the backup -- but she has a job interview out of town (snffff -- I don't want her to move).

How complicated! I really miss Anthony -- the neighborhood dog sitter .. and my child :-(
I hope this will all work out -- I am extremely stressed about it. Of Presley's parents have an "emergency" I guess Lynn will ask Carter's parents ...... Or Holly's

Went to the mother ship. Got nails, highlights and a haircut. Look just the same as always (in photo with Sydney and Presley). I wish they had a grooming van for me. LOL. I guess I do get some treats -- but they were out of lemonade and sesame chips. I don't like the bananas ones as much. Sydney needs grooming soon -- have to call the grooming van for him :-)

Mark has agreed to go see Slumdog Millionaire at 8 PM. I am very stressed and depressed -- and I have so much to do next week. One good thing is I will get to have dinner with my friend Sharon from Africa in San Francisco on Tuesday and my friend Renee is at the Palm Springs meeting (where I have to attend a meeting Thu and Fri and preside over a workshop Sun -- before catching the redeye). I am soooo tired of all of this running around. I need a simpler life!

If I Didn't Have to Work

I was just thinking about tomorrow -- and all the work I didn't do. And needing to get briefings ready for CA. And having made no arrangements for trip to Italy and France and being in trouble .... and on and on and on.
So I was looking at dog pictures on zootoo and how relaxed they looked. And I asked myself -- what if I DIDN'T have to work?

First thing is I would quit my job -- if I didn't need the $ I would not do it. This is sad as it takes 60-80 hrs a week -- need to work on that.
I would find some meaningful volunteer jobs teaching
I would take yoga daily
I would sleep in late everyday
I would walk Sydney for 1 mile twice a day
I would have 4 Cavaliers (Sydney plus 3 others -- one each color)
I would snuggle with Mark to watch a movie every day
I would live someplace like the Outer Banks
I would wear nothing but flip flops -- EVER
I would not read anything technical EVER again.
I would visit Maggie, Lisa, Bev, Becky and Beth all the time -- and the only Washington "friends" I would still see are Houeida, Lynn and Renee -- EVER

I would be able to get Mark to go to the Dr when he has symptoms and he would stop telling me "I am dead" or "I am dying"

Me thinks I have issues with "Authentic Happiness"

I will think about it in the morning

Happy Valentine's Day

Slept in late -- best gift of all. Cuddled with Sydney (and Mark). Went to the Mother Ship for a mani -- and then to Origins for free Bday facial. Used my new pink Coach purse Maggie gave me for my Bday. Stopped at Starbucks en route ..... bought cookies at Godiva's. Had a Taco Bell soft taco. Total indulgence. Of course I did read my work e-mail in bed -- some of which made me mad. But hey -- c'est le vie.

I had a bad headache when I got up today -- took some Tylenol. After I got my free mini facial and ate my soft taco, I came home with an even worse headache and feeling nauseous. I laid down on the couch and just went to sleep. Mark woke me up at 4:30 PM (Sydney failed at this job) to see about going to church. I was gonna put it off till Sunday but he was gonna go by himself. I can't very well let him go outside on his own with hag woman on the prowl ..... LOL I did feel a bit better than at 2:30 PM so I went.

The gospels were about leprosy. Not the real intent -- but of course this gave Mark room to talk about "his" leprosy (he now has a rash he won't look into). I think the people in front of him must have heard him 'cause they would not shake his hand. He really needs to behave better in church -- I swear sometimes he acts like Anthony did when he was 2 -- except we had a cry room then.

I am now stressed because Mark reminded me I must have a dozen calls to return -- and I just don't feel like it. This woman from Australia I met last night -- Annie -- was telling us about this school called Timbertop in Australia. No doubt EVERYONE but me has heard about it (Prince Charles apparently went there -- but we won't hold it against the school). Anyhow her older son is undergoing the year where there is no contact with parents (except letters). An experience designed to let go of outside influences and find out who you really are. I wish they had Timbertop (except you bring your dog) for middle age women ....... I feel put upon by my environment but unable to get off "the wheel". Not sure if it is physical or mental -- but something is amiss. Need to think about this. In the morning.

Sleazy Neighbor Hits on Mark (Again)

And he does not see it. Sleazy neighbor across the street asked Mark what he was doing for Valentine's Day. And then she said she would be soooo sad and lonely 'cause she had nothing to do. Hello????? I think she likes to forget I exist. In December when we were going to the black tie Wright dinner she told Mark she had lots of formal clothes and if he ever had a formal dinner and I was not available -- she would go with him. And when I let my car battery run down and Mark was jump starting me she ran out to "help". Hello, it is my car -- I was in the driver's seat. If she were not so pathetic I would be upset (she is kinda hag like -- needs s visit to the Mother Ship for some maintenance). I know he will be mad but I HAVE to tell our other neighbors (this woman tries to hit on all the guys -- one time she hit on this one guy -- except she was drunk and peed in front of him) LOL.

Today is my Bday. Sydney's kiss was a great end to a HORRIBLE day. First I had a terrible time getting out of bed. Then while reading e-mails in line at Starbucks -- uncovered that some folks in another organization had done some unsavory things to our programs. As I dug into it -- a solution seemed imminent. But then a whole array of lying and covering bases ensued. One person -- who works at our organization because I basically facilitated her entry was particularly sleazy about it -- pretending to care about it and trying to help me -- but really trying to keep my boss from raising it at her level in a rather obvious way. The poor guy that had given me the background info spent a lot of the conversation staring at his shoes because he knew clearly people were lying.

I was at work till 7 PM (meant to come home at 5). Doing pointless stuff -- no matter the outcome I have zero trust in folks I have to work with. And the old adage there are no friends in Washington is certainly true.

I took Sydney for a walk when I got home. Had a bunch of calls and I just could not face returning them. Got invited to a dinner tomorrow ... I hope I can get out of work. Was supposed to go to the movies ... but the friend I was going to had something else come up.

Oh and Anthony just ignored me. Reality is that to him Mark and I are ATMs. He truly seems incapable of caring about another person's feelings sometimes. Of course I guess I did that. Sometimes he does -- but others he is totally self centered.

And not to be forgotten -- the 10th floor people were at their best today. I just see little evidence of caring about our employees --- just jockeying for position. I guess a bright spot is my boss -- she seems to have the guts to speak up. Of course being eligible for retirement this year has to help :-)

I hope I feel better tomorrow ..... I need to get over this -- no one is sick, everything that happened today won't matter in 100 years, let alone 10 years.

If your cab driver screams into the cell phone -- what should you do?

Got to Montreal about 6:30 -- took forever to clear immigration and customs (sp?). I waited too late to make a reservation so my usual hotel (a Marriott close to the meeting venue) was full. So gotta stay somewhere else. But it is just 1 night.

When I got to the airport all the Montreal flights were "cancelled due to weather" -- except mine. I think there must just not have been enough seats sold 'cause there is nothing wrong with the weather (besides cold). I did get myself all worked up 'cause I was worried about missing my talk in the AM and even the one in the PM. But I am here.

My cab driver got a cell phone call and just gabbed all the way from the airport. Really loud. Gave me a headache. Only gave him a $2 (Canadian) tip. So now I feel guilty ...... What would someone else have done? I don't know -- complained live? Mark would have said something rude -- but this guy was talking so loud he would not have heard him! Call the company? Thought about that -- but then I figured it was bad karma. Hopefully a $2 (Canadian) tip is not bad karma!

Skipped dinner with the gang. Would have been late for 7:30 dinner anyhow. Plus I don't drink and get stuck subsidizing the drinks of others. One time in Montreal got stuck with a $160 bill for $20 worth of food. Had no $ for food rest of the week. One of the drinkers bought my lunch one day ... the others just laughed about it. Interesting study of human nature. LOL now -- not so much then ......

Ordered a grilled cheese from room service. Miss Sydney. Wish I could have brought him (the hotel allows small pets). But I bet ICAO (the International Civil Aviation Organization -- one of those really lame United Nations organizations) would not. LOL in Oct of 2007 I Chaired a workshop at ICAO. I used my computer -- and when it went into sleep mode Sydney's baby picture came up. In a giant screen. Looks a lot like this one -- just a smaller Sydney. But hey it's not as bad as when Bush got up to use the loo in the middle of a UN meeting.

OK -- gotta stop rambling .... and do something. Hope I get home tomorrow for my Bday on Thursday.

Why am I still sad?

Yesterday I felt a bit better -- but today I am back to feeling despondent. There isn't a really good reason. We have good, reliable jobs (even if every once in a while we have "shut downs" and get sent home for dramatic purposes). Of course Mark continuously saying "if one of us loses their job then you can't do a, b, c," does not help. No one is sick. We have a beautiful dog. Anthony is at a top University.

I thought I was maybe panicky over not having presentations done for next week -- but those are done and sent in and I still feel sad. I still have way too much to do and need to work out how to fit in end of Feb and March because I cannot be in California, Italy, France and DC all at once ... But surely I can manage by making some choices.

This is the year I upgrade to MRIs for breast cancer checks -- maybe it is that -- but it doesn't happen till May -- and a more accurate check is better ..... you would think "early detection" would click.

Anthony is not coming home in March for Spring Break -- he is going to Florida instead. Maybe it is that -- but I think I have come to terms with it -- and he should be home within two months after that.

I continue to worry about Mark -- but he does seem better (back to falling asleep all the time - even though he gets up early and claims he has lots to do). Plus all of my spying has not revealed any great secret he is keeping from me .... unless he's gotten better at it.

I just don't know -- maybe I am too emotional .... make everything into drama. I wish I could trade places with Sydney for a week -- although he is pretty dramatic. Maybe I will feel better after teaching ESL. Helping others is always a cure for depression ......

A Gorgeous Day ... and lots of free stuff

Today was absolutely gorgeous. Blue skies. Must have been near 60. Went to the Mother Ship for my mani. Then to the mall to collect my Bday gifts from my friends .... Banana Republic ($15 -- got some tights), Origins ($10 off $25 -- got some lotion -- plus free samples, mini facial next week), Victoria's Secret ($10 -- got a pantie) and Godiva (25% off). I let Hallmark's "gift" pass. And I will collect Barnes and Nobles later. Elizabeth Arden's has gotten cheap. They used to give you a free mani, a make-up and a sample of make-up. But now they give you nada.

I then went to Harris Teeter and had free samples for lunch. That's kinda a Saturday ritual.

I was thinking there is something wrong when you get more Bday cards from shops that friends you may have a problem. But I came home to a card from Becky -- so I think I have an equal number of cards from people as from stores.

Sydney clearly had spring fever so Mark and I took him for a long walk. We were going to go to Shirlington, but decided not to go as far and just let him sniff. He is just soooo cute. Has gotten a tad cooler (I was cold walking home from church -- Mark by contrast was in a t-shirt). But I think tomorrow should be nice as well. Wonder if that means that the ESL students will not show up. My turn to teach.

TGIF

I am soooo glad today is over. I had a terrible time getting out of bed this morning. Once I did I realized a telecon I thought was NEXT week had been moved to today. I had agreed to this when I was sitting on the beach -- but neglected to update my calendar. So I skipped washing my hair (my boss insisted you could not tell the difference but I think he was being nice) and rushed to work so could call my "co-chair" and plan the agenda.
No sooner had I made it through the telecon that I get this e-mail where some on-line publication has totally misinterpreted some work we had done and said that there is no hope of reducing GHG emissions for aviation by using renewable fuels. This is totally untrue -- but of course no one reads the retraction. So I had to run around like a chicken with my head cut off and get the people that actually did the work agree to go deal with it. And of course notify everyone that will freak.

The afternoon was not as bad -- just lots of meetings. I ended up with lots of work for the w-e. But my temp assignment is coming to an end -- only to go into another temp assignment as Office Director -- since my usual boss is going upstairs to act for a few months ...... I was really late getting home but Sydney seemed OK. He was a trooper and did all duties. Now we are waiting for Mark to get home from Dallas. He e-mailed and said he was on an earlier flight -- but I do not know which ...... I guess we will be surprised.