Dealing with Mark

I am having such a hard time dealing. I was hoping going to see Slumdog Millionaire last night would get me out of my head -- but they were out of tickets. Tried to go see something else but there was nothing we both wanted to see and was playing before Mark would fall asleep.

So back to my mind. I am truly at the end of my rope with Mark's health symptoms. I don't know how to get through to him. He reads my blog -- maybe that will help.

Since we came back from Africa in October he has had ongoing infections.Or what appears like infections. Since December he has had sudden drops in blood pressure and has passed out. He saw the oncologist in late November -- and apparently she noted nothing odd in his blood work. And he did see his breast cancer surgeon (because it was time) in late December after fainting and the dizzy spells. She told him to cut his blood pressure med in half and monitor.

He was told and promised me he would to go see his general Dr if things did not improve. Needless to say things have not improved and he has not seen a Dr because he is "too busy at work". People who have seen him on business trips have called to asked me what was wrong because he looks/acts awful.

One more week has gone by with no Drs appts. He nearly passed out in church last night and his blood pressure is in the 90s. He has no appetite and is shaking like a French soldier. He refuses to cancel the trip to Dayton and see a Dr. And to save the Air Force $ he has booked himself a ticket to Columbus. I now fear he will not only kill himself but also innocent people.

I am constantly on edge and crying. I cannot get through to him. I am having scary thoughts about wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up. I don't have any. So I thought that I have three neighbor's keys so maybe I could get some. Except I don't think they have any. So maybe I don't really want to do this or I would find a way.

I am so upset about being in California and him in Dayton. I pray and pray he will be OK. I can't go through this (my Mom also neglected health symptoms and basically killed herself) again --- and I won't -- at least not without a fight. I am telling anyone and everyone what is going on. Hopefully the pressure will be too much and Mark will do something.

Me, Anthony, Sydney -- we all need him. We have made plans for what we are going to do the rest of our lives. He doesn't just get to "check out". If I don't get some relief soon I fear I will have a meltdown. A very public meltdown. And yet the idea of being locked up somewhere is incredibly attractive to me. As I said to Mark -- he needs to experience being the person watching so he can comprehend what he puts me through. I know what it is like to want to ignore medical issues. I don't want to go for my checks ups to Hopkins. But I do-- mostly because of other people, I don't want Anthony, Mark and my sister to go through what my Mother caused us to go through.

Of course I am very hormonal which does not help. Having some issues of my own. I hope everything is better in the morning.